Ladies and Gentlemen, my advice to Joe Mannix…
Wear a helmet

If I could offer you only one tip for the future
Wearing a helmet would be it

The long term benefits of wearing helmets have been proven by athletes Whereas
the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own, viewing experience

I will dispense this advice...now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your roadster
Never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your roadster until
you've been forced to drive a car with emission controls

But trust me
In twenty years, you'll look back at photos of you and your car
and recall in a way you can't grasp now
how sweet a ride it was
and how much chicks dig a guy in a hot looking car

You were not as hurt as we imagined

Don't worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to bring
down a helicopter with a stick - wait I guess you did that
Anyway the real trouble in your life
is apt to be a little kid with a buck 85 and a sob story
The kind of kid that blindsides you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday
Do one thing, everyday, that worries Peggy

Duck

Don't be reckless with others people's cars
Don't put up with people who put dynamite in yours

Duck

Don't waste your time trying to pick a lock
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't
Time is short, and in the end, it's much cooler to kick the door in

Remember to have a dime for the pay phone
Forget asking a drunk to call the cops for you
If there's a bar in the neighborhood - you're screwed
Keep your old love letters
Throw away your old parking tickets

Duck

Don't feel guilty about missing your Dad's 75th birthday party
Most people I know that get shot in the side would tend to miss
More than a birthday party
Be glad you lived to see your next birthday

Play it cool in the face of danger
Conserve your bullets, you'll miss them when they're gone

Maybe you'll marry
Maybe you won't
Maybe you'll have children
Maybe you won't
Maybe you'll retire at 60
Maybe you'll be crushing crime well into your 80's
Whatever you do, look behind the door before you enter a room
Or at least turn the light on
Chances are somebody's waiting there for you
And they're not from the welcome wagon

Enjoy your body
Use it every way you can
But be careful of that left arm and shoulder
God knows how many more hits they can take

Duck

Read your mail right side up
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them
Do not read subpoenas, they will only make you angry

Get to know your insurance man
Unless you're fond of public transportation and rental cars
Be nice to your doctor
He saved your butt in the past
And with the money he makes off of you
he's most likely to do the same in the future

Understand that friends come and go
But a good secretary is damn hard to find
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and life style
'Cause the older you get
The more you'll realize that most of your old army buddies were psychos

Take a case in the south once, but leave before you get shot in the wrist
Work undercover in New Orleans once, but leave before you fall in love

Duck

Accept certain inalienable truths
The cops will be late, plaid will go out of style
You too will get old, and when you do
You'll reminisce that when you were young
The cops were on time, plaid was in style
And Peggy knew what she was talking about

Listen to Peggy
Learn to expect the unexpected

Maybe the tank was full of gas
Maybe your gun was full of bullets
But you never know when either one might run out
Don't mess too much with your hair
If a high-speed car chase can't screw it up why should you

Be careful of who's information you buy
But be patient with those who supply it
That information may help solve a case
But it can also get your butt kicked in a dark alley
and in the end the down and out stoolie
is usually selling it for more than it's worth

But trust me on the helmet thing